Why Some Goals Make You Run In Circles

Why is it that sometimes you can be really clear about a goal, make a plan to get there, and take action on it, but even after years of pushing yourself, you still have little to show for your efforts?

Maybe you made some progress, but perhaps it wasn’t enough to justify the effort. Meanwhile it seems like so many other people are able to achieve similar goals much more quickly. This can be frustrating.

What is it that causes you to run in circles?

A common goal achievement strategy looks something like this:

  1. Define your outcome.
  2. Make a plan to get there.
  3. Take lots of action.
  4. Refine your approach as needed.
  5. Persist until you succeed.

This method will indeed work for certain types of goals. But for other goals, it will actually cause you to run in circles. You’ll burn a lot of time and energy, but you won’t reach your goal in a reasonable period of time.

The method above tends to work okay for goals that don’t require much inner change. Your current thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and behaviors are well aligned with your outcomes. You don’t have to change on the inside. You just have to take certain basic actions that you’re already comfortable with, and you’ll get there.

For example, if you set a goal to organize your home office, and you’re already a fairly neat person, and you know how to organize, and you like the feeling of having everything in its proper place, then you can use this process to achieve that goal. You can imagine your home office the way you’d like it to be. Then make a to-do list of the action steps to get there. Then set aside a weekend to make it so, and go through the steps one by one until you’re done. If something unexpected happens, you can adjust your plan on the fly. This is an achievable goal for you, and if you feel motivated to make it happen, it’s clearly within your power to get it done in a reasonable period of time.

On the other hand, suppose you set that same goal to organize your home office, but your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings aren’t aligned very well. Maybe you’re not particularly happy with the work you do, and having a cluttered office makes it easier to distract yourself from depressing thoughts and feelings. Maybe you worry about having more responsibility. Maybe you fear that your life lacks variety. Maybe you’ve been eating a crappy diet, and it’s bringing down your energy levels, making it hard to feel motivated to de-clutter your office. Maybe you’ve piled up so much clutter that you now view it as a monumental task. Maybe you’re a habitual pack rat and have a hard time throwing things away, even if you haven’t used them in years.

For this second person, the goal achievement process previously described usually won’t work. It may look good on paper, but it can actually have an adverse effect, causing you to run in circles. You may set a goal to have a neat office and make a to-do list just as the first person did, but it won’t yield the same result for you. Even if you make a dent in the clutter, you’ll re-clutter it within a few weeks. Then you’ll beat yourself up, resolve to “stop procrastinating” and “finally get organized,” and try again. Fast forward five years, and your cluttered office still looks pretty much the same, despite investing a lot of mental and emotional energy in trying to improve.

This doesn’t mean you’re broken, lazy, or impotent. It means you’re using the wrong process for your particular goal. If this process isn’t working for you, stop using it. A good process produces good results.

A Tale of Two Vibrations

Albert Einstein is famously quoted as saying that we cannot solve problems at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

In the case of our first person organizing her home office, she already thinks of herself as a neat and organized person. She likes being organized and feels good about it on the inside. When she sees clutter in her environment, she immediately recognizes it: “This isn’t me.” It feels wrong to her. It’s below her standards to tolerate it for long. Perhaps she just got busy, and things piled up temporarily, but she knows that being neat is congruent with who she is. She may have been at a lower level of thinking when she created the clutter problem (stressed, overworked, tired, etc.), but that isn’t her normal state of being. Once her life is “back to normal,” she feels a strong desire to fix the clutter problem. Clutter isn’t congruent with who she is.

We can say that it’s part of her vibe — her collection of thoughts, feelings, and beliefs — to be neat and organized. While clutter may arise from time to time, it’s in her nature to return to a state of order again and again. Something must knock her down to a lower level of thinking, such as stress or illness, in order for her to take actions that create clutter. And even then, she knows she’ll eventually clean it up when she’s back to her normal self.

With our second person, however, being neat and organized isn’t part of his vibe. His normal, default experience is to create and tolerate clutter, even if he doesn’t like it. He’s a match for clutter. His thoughts, feelings, and beliefs all support the creation and maintenance of a cluttered environment. When he does feel like getting organized and he’s able to get himself to take action, it’s a peak state, and it usually doesn’t last for more than a few days. Even if he can get himself to hold that state long enough to organize his office, he’ll simply re-clutter it in the following weeks when he’s back to his normal level of being.

Can you think of goals in your own life where your experience was like that of the first person? And other experiences that were more like the second person?

Are Your Goals Congruent With Your Vibe?

You can use the previously mentioned goal achievement process (or something similar) when your situation is like that of the first person. But it doesn’t work well in the second situation.

Think about some of the goals and projects you’d like to accomplish. Which ones are already a good match for your current level of being? Which ones are not a match for your current vibe?

For example, if you set a goal to earn $1 million this year, but you’ve never earned more than $50K in a year before, it’s safe to say that the first goal achievement process will cause you to run in circles. That’s because your vibe is incongruent with that goal.

However, if you’ve earned $400K, $600K, and $800K in each of the last 3 years, and it feels normal to see your income increase significantly each year, then the first goal achievement process can work just fine. Your current vibe is already a good match for this goal.

Foolish Plans

When your default level of thinking and feeling (i.e. your current vibe) is not a good match for one or more of your goals, don’t try to use the first goal achievement process. It will almost certainly run you in circles. The reason that happens is that you’re trying to achieve a goal at a level of thinking at which it cannot be achieved. You may come up with a nice-looking list of action steps, but they’ll be the wrong actions. When you try to work on that list, something will feel off. You’ll find yourself procrastinating massively, for instance. This doesn’t mean you don’t want the goal. It means you’re trying to use the wrong process to get there. You’ll probably experience lots of clunky starts and re-starts to try to get yourself moving, but you won’t move much.

For example, if you’ve never earned more than $50K in a year, and you decide to earn $1 million this year, but your vibe is stuck below the $50K level, then when you make a to-do list for how to achieve your million-dollar goal, it won’t be a realistic plan. It will be a fantasy. Your plan will be like a child’s plan to build a space ship. It won’t be something you can realistically implement, and it won’t look much like the plan that a true soon-to-be millionaire would use.

Your plan will probably be cluttered with actions that don’t even need to be done, at least not by you personally. It will include a lot of unnecessary busywork. It will focus on actions that won’t produce strong results under real-world conditions.

If someone who was already earning $1 million per year looked at your plan, they’d likely see it as unbalanced and off-base. Even if they were starting from scratch, their plan to earn that first million wouldn’t look very much like yours.

Don’t bother to create plans for goals that you aren’t already a good match for. Such plans won’t work in the real world. First you have to get yourself to the level of thinking at which your goal can be achieved. After you get to that level of thinking, then you can start identifying action steps, and those actions will make sense.

Vibrational Goal Achievement

So what do you do if you have a goal that doesn’t mesh well with your current level of thinking and feeling? How do you bridge the vibrational gap between where you are and where you’d like to be?

You need to use a different goal achievement process for that. I’ll share such a process in my next post. :)

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2011 Focus

I seem to have this tradition of making a post at the start of each year to muse about what my primary focus for the coming year will be, so I’ll share some thoughts on what I’d like to explore in 2011.

2010 in Review

First of all, 2010 was a year of tremendous growth and exploration. It was one of the most unusual years for me. Some 2010 highlights include:

  • Adjusting to the separation from Erin in late 2009 and working through many details of that
  • Exploring interpersonal relationships (long-distance relationship, polyamory, D/s, new friendships, unconditional love, oneness)
  • Quitting Toastmasters after 6 years of membership
  • Traveling extensively (on the road for 3 months of the year; visiting many U.S. states, 5 Canadian Provinces, and Puerto Rico)
  • Delivering 4 Conscious Growth Workshops
  • Shutting down my online contact form (spending less time on email and more time interacting face to face)
  • Helping to kick off a Las Vegas men’s group
  • Conducting deeper explorations of subjective reality and inspired living
  • Doing various personal experiments (trying hot yoga, running my business from the road, etc.)
  • Uncopyrighting my work and releasing my blog posts and podcasts into the public domain

In many respects this was a chaotic year. If you place a high value on stability and security, you probably wouldn’t have enjoyed doing what I did. I spent a lot of time pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone. This year was more stressful than most, but it was also a year of wonderful new experiences. I feel like I really lived this year, not in the sense of living it up, but in the sense of having “had a life” outside of work.

For me 2010 was a year of exploring, especially in the area of interpersonal relationships. But it was also a bit crazy at times. I did a number of things “just for the experience” because I’d never done them before. It felt good to stretch myself in new directions as I was coming out of a marriage and rediscovering myself as an individual.

I also took a deeper look at my values and considered what was truly important to me in life. I thought more deeply about what I wanted to explore, experience, and contribute. My 40th birthday is coming up in April, so this felt like a good year to pause, reflect, stretch myself, and gain some clarity about the road ahead. I definitely spent more time working on my personal growth this year than I did on my professional growth, and I have no regrets about that.

Expanding Upon 2010

In the coming year, I’d like to continue building upon some of the explorations I began in 2010. I’d especially like to continue traveling. I’d love to visit Europe in 2011 since I’ve never been there. I like the idea of spending a month or more in a new country and immersing myself in the culture and language, but I can also see the appeal of visiting multiple countries in the span of a few weeks to get some rapid exposure and discover places I’d like to revisit for a deeper experience.

When it comes to picking travel destinations, I favor going to new places I’ve never visited, and beyond that I rely on intuition. Since there are so many countries I’ve never seen, I’m mainly interested in going to places that are new to me. It doesn’t matter whether they’re culturally similar to the USA or not. I learned a lot from the 5-6 weeks I spent in Canada this year; the more time I spent there, the more subtleties I discovered.

I’d also like to continue exploring in the area of relationships and social connections. One of my biggest challenges is maintaining a balanced social life. Because of the popularity of my website, it’s easy for me to be socially lazy because there are always fresh connections and invites coming my way. Turning off my contact form was a good step in the right direction because it removes the biggest social firehouse in my life and gives me space to initiate connections instead of feeling I have an endless line of people who need to hear back from me. I love being social, but I want to do it on my own terms and in a way that feels good to me.

This year I intend to pay more attention to the quality and depth of my connections. I could do with less quantity and variety for a while. I also want to shift further away from online socializing and towards more face to face connecting.

2011 Focus

Because 2010 was such an intense year, I don’t have as much clarity about my primary focus for the upcoming year as compared to previous years. I’m still processing my 2010 experiences and working through the rippling after-effects of separating from Erin. Consequently, I may be indulging in some wishful thinking in this attempt to clarify my 2011 focus. I’ll do my best to share what I can though.

I think the main thing I’d like to explore this year is alternative business models. I feel I’m in a good place to do this for several reasons.

First, I’m not particularly attached to money. I don’t fear experimenting in this area, even if it means taking financial risks and causing swings in my income. I’m much more curious than I am greedy. I’ve been an entrepreneur for 16+ years, and I’ve lived through many lean years and many abundant ones. I don’t see money as a power source, and I’m just not particularly inspired by financial gain. I am, however, curious to explore different ways of generating income this year.

On a practical level, I have plenty of financial fallbacks if things go south. I can write more books or do more workshops to earn more money if needed. This puts me in a good place to explore and experiment without feeling like I have to succeed. But I also get bored easily if I do too much of the same thing. I like to change things up since it makes my business more fun and varied.

I require a certain level of risk (or challenge) in order to keep my work interesting. If my work becomes too easy, I get bored, and my motivation plummets. If I had a guaranteed path to success staring me in the face, I’d abandon it and try something else. Otherwise my life would be like playing a video game in God mode. If there’s no challenge, the game is boring and pointless. I flunked out of university when I tried to go through it in 4 years (too easy, no challenge, pointless), but I graduated with two degrees when I pushed myself to do it in 3 semesters (challenging, difficult, exciting).

In previous years, I’ve done a lot of lifestyle experimenting, especially with respect to working, eating, sleeping, and relationships. I enjoy the growth and learning that comes from such experiments. This year I’d like to do more experimenting in the space of business.

During some of the years that I’ve been blogging, most of my income came from advertising. Then most of it came from joint-venture deals. Then most of it was from doing workshops. I’ve been experimenting with different ways of making my work financially sustainable since I started blogging, but in 2011 I’d like to be more conscious and deliberate about trying different ideas. I think it will make my business more fun, exciting, and challenging and less predictable.

My top priority isn’t to make as much money as I can. If I wanted to maximize my income above all else, I’d prioritize my actions very differently. As an end in itself, making money is pretty boring to me. It’s like playing a video game just for the score.

It’s fair to say that my website is grossly under-monetized. I’m pretty sure I could be earning 10x as much money with my existing traffic if I made income generation my top priority. But I don’t feel the sacrifices would be worth it.

I’d say that my priority when it comes to business model experimentation is to maximize my happiness. I want to enjoy my freedom, including the freedom to travel, and not feel chained to my work. I want to continue enjoying and increasing the level of financial abundance in my life. I want to connect with people as friends and not feel that transactions are more important than interactions. I want to provide strong values that benefits people. And I want to express myself honestly and openly; I’m unwilling to conform to others’ expectations in order to get more business.

I like to experiment, and I change my primary business model almost every year. I don’t do this because I’m trying to make more money. I do it because I get bored with the old model. When my methods for generating income become too secure and predictable, I’m drawn to abandon them in order to try something new. I like to drop proven methods even if it means less income because I gain more from the process of exploration than I gain from the income. I learn and grow faster when I experiment often, and life is more fun and exciting.

So for 2011, I’d like to do even more experimenting with my business model. You may see me doing things that look highly questionable — perhaps even foolish — if you’re coming from the perspective that an entrepreneur is supposed to optimize a business around revenue generation. I’d rather optimize for fun, excitement, and challenge. And of course I’m happy to share what I learn along the way.

Happy New Year! :)

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Your Simulated Reality

Last night I had a really cool lucid dream. It started out as a regular dream that involved a bunch of robbers stealing items from a large house. I was trying to foil the robbers’ plans. At some point I realized that I was dreaming and became lucid. I ignored the robbers after that and decided to try something interesting.

Instead of donning super powers and going around flying, I wanted to see if I could get my dream characters to become more lucid themselves. Could I get them to realize that we were in a shared dream together and to rise above their pre-scripted dream roles? Could I get them to fess up to that fact that our shared reality was a dream?

I went outside and found some characters to interact with, but they seemed pretty dim-witted. They acted like plain vanilla NPCs that couldn’t handle off-script events. Then I had the idea that perhaps within the dream world, there are somehow limited “computing” resources available. Since I was outdoors in a complex scene, could it be that rendering the outdoor environment was chewing up a lot of dream resources, and that fewer resources were then available for the characters themselves?

I thought that if that were the case, then perhaps I could experience richer character interactions if I went to a simpler, less visually complicated location in the dream world. Then perhaps the dream “computer” could devote fewer resources to rendering the environment and transfer some of those resources to creating richer dream characters that were more responsive.

If I could say that the whole dream is happening within my physical brain, then I’m just saying that if my brain doesn’t have to render the illusion of rich, sprawling outdoor scenes, then perhaps it can devote more neurons to the task of creating richer characters.

I went back to the house where my dream began, and I found a small room there. It had a basic layout with white walls, a window obscured by blinds, a bed, a couch, and a table. I figured that the dream renderer wouldn’t be overly taxed by such an environment. Three characters appeared in the room. Two were representations of friends I know in real life, and the other was some dream character I’d never seen before.

I talked to the dream characters, and they seemed much smarter and more self-aware than the NPC-like characters I tried interacting with outdoors. We had a fascinating discussion about the nature of the dream world. They were aware that our shared reality was a dream, although one of them was skeptical about it. We talked about different ways of explaining how the dream world worked and why it seemed so real.

We didn’t really understand how our dream world worked, but the best analogy we came up with was that it functioned much like a Holodeck from Star Trek. In other words, the dream world was being rendered as if by a computer, but that computer has limited computing resources (analogous to a physical computer’s processing power, memory, secondary storage, etc.). This dream computer  only renders what is seen and interacted with, much like a computer game only renders what is visible on the screen. These computing resources are general purpose, so they can be transferred among “systems” like scene rendering, event creation, character development, etc. For a complex outdoor scene, we could say that most of the available resources are being used to render the scene. For a simpler environment, more resources might be available for simulating character interactions.

When I awoke from the dream, which seemed to last for hours, I wondered if our “physical” world operates in much the same way. Does it also have limited computing resources? Do public interactions with NPCs seem to be more shallow because the world’s renderer is devoting most of its resources to rendering complex scenes? Do private interactions in a home seem to have more depth because there are more resources available to simulate the characters we interact with?

What if the world really does operate like a giant simulation with limited computing resources that get transferred? Do other parts of your life seem to become richer when you cultivate a zen-like space that’s free of clutter and distraction? Do you tend to have experiences that aren’t as deep or rich when you’re out in a busy public area where hundreds of NPCs are being rendered?

Do you have the deepest conversations when you’re alone with someone in a simple environment?

Is there a special advantage to simplicity? Does it free up more computing resources to enrich the simulation of other parts of your life experience?

If you fill your life with clutter in any form — visual clutter, shallow interactions with NPCs, a job you dislike — is it possible that you’re essentially wasting computing resources that could be used to simulate a much richer life? How can life’s computer bring new experiences into your simulation, such as a rewarding relationship, if you’re wasting it’s resources simulating what you don’t want?

Many people have discovered that when they drop from their lives that which doesn’t inspire and fulfill them, a temporary void is created, but that void is soon filled with new experiences. As the saying goes, “When one door closes, another opens.” When you shut down one aspect of your reality, perhaps you’re freeing up computing resources that can then be used to enrich your simulation in other ways.

What if you assume that most of the time, the computer that’s simulating your life is running at full capacity? You can’t add anything new until you delete something old. If you want to launch some new programs, such as a new relationship or a richer career path, you must first close some programs that are already running. One of the simplest ways to do this is to, at least temporarily, go to a very simple, quiet, uncluttered space, and be alone for a while. Another idea is to physically throw out or give away what you don’t need. If something is present in your life, but it’s not adding value, then it’s wasting computing resources. You’re asking life’s computer to keep rendering it. Why waste its resources?

Is your reality simulating what you want it to be simulating? If not, then delete from the simulation that which you no longer desire. You certainly have a lot of control over the simulation. Close the unwanted programs, so you can reclaim the resources needed to create what you desire. That’s a lot better than intending what you want and having your reality respond with an hourglass icon. :)

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Abundance in a World of Limited Resources

How we can talk about creating abundance when it seems we live in a world of scarce resources? Aren’t these in conflict? Isn’t an abundance mindset just an exercise in self-delusion?

Scarce Resources

Certain resources on earth are in limited supply and are being depleted quickly. Perhaps the #1 example of this is oil. Oil is being pumped out of the ground faster than it can be replenished by the earth.

It takes energy to pump the oil out of the ground, and not all of the oil can be retrieved in an energy efficient manner. It doesn’t make sense to spend 100 units of energy in order to extract only 90 units.

The easy-to-get oil is already scarce, and companies are going after the harder-to-get oil at much greater risk and expense. It’s easier to pump oil out of the ground than it is to build offshore oil rigs and pump it up through the ocean floor. There would be no rational justification for engaging in costly offshore oil drilling if land-based oil supplies were abundant. The very existence of offshore oil drilling is a clear signal that oil is becoming scarcer. Even oil rich nations like Saudi Arabia are engaged in offshore drilling, which is a tacit acknowledgement that they’re running out of oil.

It’s only a matter of time before this resource runs out. As it becomes increasingly scarce, shortages will occur, and oil prices will surge. Industries that depend heavily on oil will have to cut back. Aren’t we already seeing this happen?

At present there’s no resource that can substitute for oil’s versatility or its integration into modern society. Oil is used to run farming equipment and transport food. It’s used in plastics — your home is probably filled with petroleum-based products. Even the tires on your car are made with oil, about 7 gallons per tire. It’s not a resource that can be easily replaced. As oil runs out, some lifestyle changes are inevitable.

Story

There’s no need to deny that certain resources are scarce. Scarce resources are part of the story of earth.

If life is a dream, then what sense does it make for there to be scarce resources? Can’t you just think your way into limitless abundance?

Limits and constraints make for interesting story. If there are no constraints, there’s no story. Life in a constraint-free world would be incredibly boring.

Abundance isn’t the same thing as limitlessness. If you lived in a truly limitless world, would you feel a sense of abundance? More likely you’d suffer from gluttony, boredom, and laziness. It would be a disappointing and uninspiring dream to endure.

This may appear unintuitive at first glance, but abundance requires scarcity.

Gratitude

Abundance and scarcity are equally valuable teachers. They both teach us gratitude, but in different ways.

When there’s a constant presence in your life, you’ll tend to take it for granted. You’ll come to expect that it will always be there. But when you have to do without for a while, it gives you the opportunity to appreciate what you have even more.

It’s the shifting between phases of abundance and scarcity that teaches us what we value most.

I take time every day to appreciate the good things in my life, partly because I’ve had the experience of not having them. I know these experiences are temporary.

I’m grateful for the freedom I enjoy because at one point I was in an 8′x10′ jail cell, feeling what it felt like not to have that freedom.

I’m grateful for the money that flows through my life because I was broke for many years, went bankrupt, and got kicked out of my apartment because I couldn’t pay the rent.

I’m grateful for the friends I have because I know what it’s like to feel alone and friendless.

I’m grateful for the health I enjoy because I know what it’s like to be sick.

When I use the Internet, I feel grateful for how amazing it is and how it lets me connect with people all over the world. I remember what it was like when I didn’t have access to this amazing wonder.

In two days I’m traveling to Canada to visit my Rachelle. We haven’t seen each other in a month and a half. Being apart for so long makes it hard to take each other for granted. It helps us appreciate each other much more. I’m very grateful that she’s in my life.

However, when there’s a glut of abundance, I’m more likely to take things for granted. That’s when scarcity may become the more valuable teacher.

When I’ve spent a few weeks with Rachelle, for instance, I may not feel as appreciative of her on Day 20 as I did on Day 1. But after saying goodbye to her at the airport and then experiencing a few days alone, I become more acutely aware of just how much I appreciate her, and I look forward to seeing her again.

It’s the contrast between abundance and scarcity that helps raise our awareness of what we value most.

The abundance mindset isn’t about acquiring and securing more stuff. It’s about appreciating life fully and feeling grateful for what life is teaching you.

Gratitude for the Story

Can you actually feel grateful for the scarcity you experience because it’s teaching you new truths about yourself?

When I was deep in debt, knowing I was going to have to declare bankruptcy, I felt I had nothing more to lose financially, so I decided to stop feeding so much of my power to that part of my life. I’d been telling myself I couldn’t have a good life if the my financial life was broken. So I gave myself permission to feel good about the other parts of my life and not let the lack of money drag me down so much. After all, it was just a number. Why was I giving it so much power over me?

I started paying attention to what I did have, and I learned to appreciate it more deeply. I appreciated the food I was able to eat. I appreciated that I somehow still had a roof over my head. I appreciated the weather. I appreciated the ocean, the beach, and the sunrise.

I appreciate that I could breathe. I appreciated running and meditation. I appreciated my relationships. I appreciated my health.

It was in late 1998 and early 1999 that I began to do that. And 1998 was the last year I felt to be a scarce one (and perhaps the first half of 1999). After that I always seemed to have plenty. Even the money situation turned around within a year. That was my first financially positive year after 6 years as an entrepreneur. I experienced 12 more good years in a row after that.

I’m glad these events were part of my story. If I had achieved lots of good things earlier in life, I don’t think I’d appreciate them as much as I do now. Despite having a lot of good stuff in my life these days, I don’t take it for granted. The sweet stuff is sweeter because I know what bitter tastes like.

The Story of Loss

Everything you have in this world is temporary. One way or another, it will vanish from your life. If it’s physical in nature, it’s impermanent.

Earth’s resources will eventually be used up. Your human body will be used up as well. Even the Sun will eventually burn out. And it’s expected that the known universe itself will eventually end.

Loss is part of the story of life. When we lose something precious to us, we deepen our understanding of its value.

Humanity is burning through some of the earth’s scarce resources. That, by itself, is not a problem. The real problem is that we don’t properly appreciate those resources. It’s okay to pump oil out of the ground and use it. The earth doesn’t mind. But are we truly appreciating what the earth is giving to us?

Do you realize that all of the “stuff” in your life is a gift of the earth? If it’s physical in nature, it was probably made from something that was pulled out of the ground. Human creativity played its part of course, but do you realize that the raw materials of the items in your home came from the earth? You’re literally wearing pieces of the earth on your body.

Now realize that all of this is temporary. You’ll either lose it before you die or when you die.

The great story of loss is that everything in this physical reality will eventually be taken from you. Do you accept this, or do you resist it?

Appreciating Scarcity

According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Clinginess shows up in the first 4 stages, but when we get to acceptance, we finally let go and make peace with reality.

I think there are stages beyond acceptance, however, and gratitude is certainly one of them. When we can see the important role that loss plays in life, we can learn to appreciate loss itself. It’s an important part of our story. Loss helps us grow.

Without loss we’d be too likely to take the good parts of our lives for granted. They’d eventually become hollow and meaningless to us. When we lose them, however, we become intensely aware of the value we once experienced.

As we move into an abundance mindset, we recognize that the true value we experience can always be recreated. Real value isn’t scarce. We may lose a loved one, but we can experience love again.

Scarcity teaches us what true abundance means. Scarcity helps us understand what we value and what we don’t.

You may not value oil specifically, but by appreciating what oil has done, you may come to appreciate technology, and by appreciating technology, you may come to appreciate human empowerment, sharing knowledge, making new discoveries, and connecting with people.

True Abundance

Abundance doesn’t require unlimited physical resources. Having limitless oil or some suitable replacement won’t help us feel more abundant. It will simply lead us to take more things for granted, and we’ll under-appreciate what we have.

Abundance isn’t about having more, more, more. It’s about learning what we truly value and realizing that we can in fact create that value if we so desire.

In some ways this dream world is much smarter than our limited individual personalities. It brings us what we truly desire, even if that conflicts with what we explicitly ask for. The universe is completely and 100% on your side. You can try to make an enemy of it, but it never abandons you. It simply outsmarts you by doing an end run around your stubbornness.

To create an abundance mindset, you may need to shed a lot of false desires. You may need to stop feeding your power to what you don’t want. And you may need to start appreciating all the goodness that’s right in front of you, but you’ve been too blind to pause and appreciate it.

If you think that scarcity in the world is a bad thing, take another look. You’re seeing scarcity because you need to see it in order to grow. You need to see war in order to appreciate peace. You need to see unfairness to appreciate fairness. You need to see disease to appreciate health. If you didn’t need to learn these lessons, you wouldn’t keep summoning scarcity as your teacher.

Don’t close your eyes to the scarcity you perceive. Let it sink in fully. Feel the sense of lack. And when you’ve learned the lesson you need to learn from it, withdraw your power from it, and use it to create the abundance you desire.

Happiness

Aligning yourself with abundance is the same thing as aligning yourself with happiness.

There are many false roadsigns to happiness in this world. Most of them lead to dead ends.

Material wealth is one example. If you think that having “more” will lead to happiness, go ahead and try it. You may learn this lesson by gaining more and still feeling unhappy, or you may learn it by failing to reach the level of more that you desire. Eventually you’ll become so frustrated that you decide to explore a different path.

I put some energy into improving my finances, but I didn’t feel happier or more abundant when I achieved those goals. What gave me the greatest feeling of happiness was taking time to appreciate the good things in my life. The interesting part is that this had nothing to do with the things. It had everything to do with how I was using my power.

I learned that it makes no difference what my finances are doing. They can go up or down, and it doesn’t affect my happiness. I always have the ability to feel grateful. Sometimes I feel more grateful when I have less vs. when I have more.

One of the reasons I placed my work into the public domain and no longer copyright it is that I realized that owning a lot of intellectual property doesn’t make me any happier than when I owned none. When I tried feeling grateful for it, I realized it wasn’t the ownership that mattered to me. Nor was it the body of work that I created in the past. I discovered the deeper truth that I’m grateful for the opportunity to express myself creatively. I’m grateful for the ability to connect with people around the world. I’m grateful for the chance to learn and grow.

I don’t need to make more money or acquire more prestige or gain more web traffic in order to be happier. I can be happy simply expressing my creativity. Certain tools like a computer and the Internet help me do that, and I’m grateful for them as well, but if they were all stripped from me, I could still express my creativity with sticks and stones. Even if I ended up paralyzed, I could build new creations within my mind, and I could still feel grateful for the ability to do that.

However, I’ve noticed that the more I remember these lessons, the less often scarcity shows up in my life as a personal teacher. I’m getting better at making choices with respect to happiness as opposed to making choice on the basis of more. I pass up obvious avenues for advancement in my business if I don’t think they’ll increase my happiness, even if they might increase my income. From an entrepreneurial perspective, it may appear that I run my business strangely, but I run it happily.

Discarding False Paths

The existence of scarcity in the world helps us identify and discard the false paths that won’t give us a true sense of abundance.

I believe that a true abundance mindset isn’t about how much stuff you can acquire. I think it’s about realizing how little you need to create happiness. Could you lose all your stuff and still feel grateful? Can you still use your power to create the experience of caring, generosity, and happiness even in the presence of lack?

I also think that life stops hammering us with certain lessons once we learn them. My money problems didn’t go away because I became aggressive about making more money. They stopped arising when I let go of my fear of not having money and when I stopped empowering the belief that I couldn’t have a good life without money.

What helped me most was thinking about what my life would be like if I actually became homeless. I could live on the beach and sleep under the stars each night. I could work on my social skills. I could learn to get better at drawing. I’d have lots of freedom. I could learn new languages from bilingual homeless people. I could go to libraries and read. I could meditate and go running each day. I could write a book about the experience. I could even do volunteer work to help people. I soon realized that even if I had no money at all, I could still live a pretty cool life. It was within my power to do so.

Once I realized that my money situation absolutely did not have the power to sentence me to a miserable life and that in fact, I could still lead an interesting and fulfilling life no matter what, my whole being lightened up. It seemed as if reality said to me, “Ok, great… it took years, but you finally got that lesson. Now let’s move on to these other lessons over here.” There was no more need for major scarcity to keep arising for me in this particular area since I learned what I needed to learn.

An expanded version of this lesson that I’ve been learning recently is that I don’t need non-physical property either. I don’t need to own anything at all to be happy. I think I’m going to enjoy writing without the burden of ownership. The creative part is what I enjoy most. I don’t need to own what I create.

Sustainability

Some people desire to create more sustainability in the world, which is partly about shifting away from non-renewable resources and towards renewable resources.

I don’t presently consider myself a proponent of the sustainability movement though. I think there are more beneficial growth lessons to be learned from cycles of excess and scarcity than there are from long-term sustainability.

If my own life had been more balanced, I doubt I’d have learned as much as I did. I think it would be boring and depressing to live as many animals in nature do, so I wouldn’t use that as my model of environmental harmony. I think there are good reasons humans create such huge imbalances — and why we have the capacity to continue doing so. These imbalances provide us with amazing growth lessons, teaching how to expand our power and our wisdom simultaneously.

Some would say that today our power has gotten ahead of our wisdom. I tend to agree. This, however, motivates us to increase our wisdom. When our wisdom pulls ahead, there will be a stronger drive to increase our power.

On a deeper level, I see this as the balance between Truth, Love, and Power. These are the primary ways in which we experience growth, and all three have the capacity to expand.

When Truth gets too far ahead, then we have theories we cannot test and grand ideas we cannot implement. This motivates us to come together and collaborate (Love) in order to achieve new breakthroughs (Power).

When Love gets too far ahead, we connect to such a degree that we begin to lose our individual will and drive. We stagnate and do the same things day after day. You may see this kind of imbalance arising in your life if you spend tons of time socializing online. Eventually you begin to feel empty inside, like you’re just spinning your wheels. This negative feeling can’t be resolved by throwing more socialization at it. To correct this imbalance, you need to incorporate more learning (Truth) and creative projects (Power) into your life.

When Power gets too far ahead, we abuse ourselves. We get good at creating what we don’t want, so we create a lot of it. This motivates us to pay more attention to our relationships (Love) and to listen to our true desires (Truth).

If we truly appreciate a natural resource, we’ll be motivated to find ways to use it efficiently to create good value for ourselves. If we don’t appreciate a certain resource, we may push it to the point of extinction and then deal with its absence afterwards.

How many of the now extinct species did we appreciate? Do you miss them, or are you okay living without them?

Is oil a resource that you truly appreciate, or is it one you’d be okay living without? Do you feel grateful for all that oil has added to your life? Do you hate it and want to see it go away? How does the unfolding story of earth reflect your feelings in this area? How does it give you new insights into what you value most?

For me the lesson of oil has to do with prioritizing my values. Using oil has consequences, some of which I perceive as negative and some as positive. Which of those consequences am I willing to accept? Which am I not willing to accept? And what does this tell me about my values? I learn a lot about myself by witnessing the story of oil unfolding in my reality. It’s a wonderful teacher.

Lessons From Your Story

The story of earth is taking us through some interesting lessons these days. When faced with these lessons, we have a choice. We can choose to resist them, in which case we’ll feed more power to them and see them expand. Or we can choose to learn these lessons now, which gives us a chance to move on to new lessons.

If you don’t appreciate something in your life, then why is it there? It’s there because you keep feeding your power to it. You keep noticing it and paying attention to it. If you didn’t do that, then for all practical purposes, it would be invisible to you.

The reason you’re creating this drama is so that you can have a growth experience. It is there to teach you something important, such as what you truly value. You’ll keep creating this drama in different forms until you’re able to learn the lesson behind the drama. That lesson will ultimately take you to a deeper level of Truth.

If you try to shortcut these lessons, your solutions will never last. The deeper part of your being — the part that wants to grow — will simply keep manifesting the lessons as new dramas in your reality. You create with your whole being, not just with your thoughts or feelings.

Some people are currently experiencing interesting and dramatic lessons with respect to unemployment. Many didn’t appreciate the jobs they once had and which are now gone. Now they are job-free, and some don’t appreciate that either. They may finally get a new job, and they may dislike that too. They’ll continue to live out such cycles until they realize that the common element in all this scarcity isn’t the presence or lack of a job. It’s their ongoing lack of appreciation.

If you were looking to employ people, and someone came to you for an interview, and you sensed they didn’t appreciate their previous employer, and they didn’t appreciate what they learned from unemployment, and they probably weren’t going to appreciate the job you could give them, would you hire them? If you were going to hire someone, wouldn’t you choose someone that would truly appreciate what you can offer? Wouldn’t you favor someone with a record of appreciating their previous work history as well? Would you rather work with an appreciative person or with an unappreciative one? What would you want if you were the employer?

What kind of employer would hire an unappreciative employee? Perhaps an employer who’s desperate, ignorant, or self-punishing would do so. Is that the kind of person you’d want as your boss? Are you likely to enjoy that job?

My career life turned around when I learned to appreciate the value of work itself. I realized that the value I get from work isn’t about how much I get paid or who hires me. It’s about the opportunity to express myself creatively. Once I realized that, I always enjoyed my work.  I feel grateful that I get to create something that didn’t exist before. I also realized that being creative is more important to me than a steady paycheck. I’m glad that life brought me experiences to teach me this lesson, even though they were difficult to learn.

Can we enjoy abundance in a world of scarce resources? Of course we can. Scarcity is one of our best teachers. It steers us away from false paths and teaches us what real abundance means to us. We don’t need more money or success or iStuff to be happy. We can choose to feel grateful for what we value most, and through that feeling of gratitude, we can empower its expansion.

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Releasing My Copyrights

I hereby release my copyrights to, and place into the public domain, all of the following:

  • the 1000+ articles I’ve posted to my Blog
  • the articles I’ve published in my Newsletters
  • the podcasts I’ve posted in the Audio section
  • the Videos I’ve posted to YouTube
  • the articles I posted on my old computer games site that I wrote from 1999 to 2004 (site is no longer online)
  • the compilation of tweets I’ve posted on Twitter and the status updates I’ve posted on Facebook
  • the forum posts I’ve written (just my posts, not the ones made by other people)

I estimate that the article collection alone is around 2-3 million words of content, enough to fill about 25-30 books. So this is a lot of material.

Unless I explicitly state otherwise, all future content I personally create and publish shall not be copyrighted and shall instantly be placed into the public domain. This includes future blog posts, podcasts, newsletters, ebooks, etc. If I decide to copyright something new, I’ll include an obvious copyright notice. Otherwise you can safely assume it’s in the public domain.

This does not, however, apply to my book Personal Development for Smart People, which shall remain copyrighted for the time being. The book is still actively published by Hay House and other publishers in various languages.

What Does This Mean?

It means that I no longer “own” this work as my intellectual property. You now have as much right to it as I do.

Here are some of the things you can do now with the content I created if you so desire:

  • Repost it on your own website as much as you want
  • Translate it into other languages
  • Transfer it to different media (articles-> audio, books, etc.)
  • Make money from what you create (sell it in ebook form, post it on your website and make money from advertising)
  • Create derivative works based on my content (i.e. books, movies, software, etc.)

Here are some more specific examples of what you can do:

  • Package the polyphasic sleep articles into an ebook, and give it away free or sell it
  • Create a website to share my content in another language, translating as much of it as you desire
  • Include some of my articles in your company newsletters
  • Turn my subjective reality articles into an audio program
  • Turn 1000 of my Twitter/Facebook updates into an iPhone Daily Inspiration app
  • Develop a workshop or seminar based on my productivity content

Permission

You don’t need to ask my permission to do this. You can simply go ahead and do it now.

I’d rather that you not ask me permission anyway. I don’t need the extra email. :)

If you’re not sure about something, consult your inner guidance and make whatever decision you believe is right. Or talk to a lawyer if you’re concerned about legalities.

Definitely don’t ask me to do anything that would involve lawyers, contracts, exclusivity, or obligations.

Attribution

Attribution is a fancy word that simply means giving credit to the original author, such as noting that “Steve Pavlina wrote this…” when republishing one of my articles.

There’s no legal requirement to give attribution, but I’d still encourage you to do so. It’s good form, and if you don’t give attribution, it could create headaches for one or both of us down the road, such as either you or myself being accused of plagiarizing the other. I’d prefer to avoid that.

If you do give attribution, I’d appreciate it if you’d include a link to my blog or mention the URL www.StevePavlina.com. Partly this is so that people can find the full body of my work, including my latest creations, all in one place. And they can connect with the awesome community here too.

If you create a book or product based partly on my content, use your best judgment as to whether or not you feel I deserve a co-author credit for the content you used. Whatever you decide is fine with me.

Use Good Judgment

I’d love to see you do something creative and expansive; however, please exercise good judgment. Don’t create headaches for me by doing something sketchy or deceptive.

For example, don’t make it look like I’m recommending or endorsing a product when I didn’t explicitly do so. Don’t quote me inaccurately. Don’t get me banned from China.

Years ago an author included two of my copyrighted articles as chapters in his book without permission, and he even modified my personal stories to try to pass them off as his own. People emailed me to ask if I had plagiarized him, or if he had plagiarized me. It was easy for me to prove that I was the original author, so I contacted the publisher and we worked out a settlement whereby the other author could keep pretending that my stories were his. This sounds like it’s right out of a Seinfeld episode, doesn’t it? I’d prefer not to deal with nonsense like this again, so please don’t try to appropriate my personal history, even if my stories are in the public domain now.

Another headache would be if you released a piece of software based on my work, but you packaged it in such a way that people mistakenly assumed that I wrote it or endorsed it, and this resulted in lots of people coming to our forums asking for tech support.

If you create a headache for me, you can generally expect that I’ll do something about it, which may include leveraging my network to open a can of whoop-ass on you till you do the right thing and correct the problem. That said, you have plenty of leeway to be creative here, and if you do create a problem by accident, I’ll probably contact you about it first and give you a chance to fix it before I go looking for the tweezers and blowtorch.

Making Money

You can make money off my work if you so desire. I expect that over the next several years, millions of dollars in revenue will be generated for people as a result of this decision. Consider this my personal economic stimulus package. :)

My website gets a lot of traffic — I expect 9-10 million page views this month — but there are still billions of people worldwide who haven’t been exposed to some of the most basic personal growth concepts like taking 100% responsibility for their lives or focusing on their dreams and desires. If you can help expose more people to ideas and information that will benefit them, I see no reason why you shouldn’t be compensated for your efforts.

I think there’s an especially great opportunity here for people who want to create hubs for this content in other languages. I’ve received many requests to that effect over the years, so there’s no reason to hold back any longer.

If you make money from my work, there’s no obligation to pay me a portion of what you earn. However, if you feel good about doing so, I’d very much appreciate it if you’d share some of the earnings, either on a regular basis or as an irregular donation, which you can do via my donations page. This makes it easier for me to sustain what I’m doing and to expand this work in new directions. You’re free to decide what feels right to you.

Coordination

If you have some ideas and you’d like to discuss them, or if you’d like to coordinate something with others, please don’t email me about it personally since I don’t have the capacity to serve in that role. Instead, use the Steve Pavlina forum to share what you’re doing, recruit helpers, brainstorm ideas, inform people about product releases based on my content, etc. If that particular forum gets too cluttered, I’ll spin off a dedicated subforum just for people who are working on projects related to this.

It’s my hope that people will choose to collaborate on some projects to avoid duplication of effort, especially when it comes to translations. You could even team up with others who are looking to translate articles to the same language as you are.

If I see something really cool being developed (based on my subjective judgment), then I may even help to promote it if I feel it would strongly benefit people. Just don’t expect me to agree to anything in advance before you actually do the creative part.

Why Am I Doing This?

I like helping people. I like the idea of removing all barriers to sharing. And this is something I want to experience as part of my own path of growth.

Questions

If you have questions, please post them in the Steve Pavlina forum, and I’ll do my best to answer them.

Give me some time to remove the copyright notices on the site. I’ll replace them with links to this post.

You are loved. Merry Christmas! :)

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Cheating in Relationships

Relationship cheating is a very common occurrence. If you haven’t experienced it yet, there’s a good chance you eventually will. In this article we’ll explore how often cheating occurs, how to define cheating, signs of cheating, and how to deal with it.

Although I personally prefer non-monogamy, I opted to write this article using a monogamous perspective since that seems to be the more popular relationship paradigm. Given the frequency of cheating in monogamous relationships, it would appear that true monogamy isn’t as common as people would have each other believe.

Frequency of Cheating

I found it difficult to track down good cheating statistics. This seems to be partly because people have a hard time being completely honest, even when surveyed in ways that safeguard their anonymity. There’s still some shame and guilt associated with admitting the truth, even in private. So instead of sharing a bunch of detailed stats that might be wrong, I’ll simply share the big picture elements.

Slightly more than half of all married people will cheat on their spouses at some point in their lives. Men apparently cheat more often than women, but the gap isn’t huge.

Most of the time cheating does occur, the other spouse doesn’t know about it, with women being in the dark slightly more often than men.

That’s if you’re married. If you’re in a committed relationship but aren’t married, then I’d imagine that the odds of cheating are even higher. Partly I say that because cheating is more common when you’re younger and becomes less likely as you age.

The big game-changer here is the Internet, which makes even 10-year old stats seem very dated now. Recents surveys suggest that most people have flirted online at one point or another, that when people spend time in chat rooms they’re usually motivated by romantic or sexual interest, and that about a third of adults have had real sex as a result of a connection that began online.

In the USA alone, tens of millions of people cheat on their primary relationship partners. Cheating is very, very common. Most of the time when people cheat, they hide it from their partners, and they usually succeed in doing so, not because they’re so great at keeping secrets but mainly because their partners fail to recognize and acknowledge the telltale signs.

Suffice it to say that cheating is rampant.

Statistically speaking, if you get involved in committed relationships or marriage, the odds are better than 50-50 that you’re eventually going to cheat at some point in your life. And you’ll probably hide it from your primary partner, and you’ll probably get away with it.

Of course you can decline to join this group if you so desire. However, there’s still a good chance you’ll end up in a relationship with someone else who’s a member, and you probably won’t know. Or you’ll know, but you’ll retreat into denial about it.

Defining Cheating

What exactly constitutes cheating? Not everyone defines cheating the same way. Society may condition us to think of cheating a certain way, but deep down we may not feel the same.

Have a heart to heart talk with your partner, and define what you would consider cheating. Your answers don’t have to be the same.

Here are some items to think about.

Would you or your partner find it problematic if you…

  • Have sexual thoughts about someone else
  • Stare at someone attractive walking by when you’re with your partner
  • Look at porn
  • Masturbate to porn
  • Masturbate while imagining having sex with someone else
  • Have sex with your partner while visualizing sex with someone else
  • Go to a strip club
  • Get a lap dance
  • Go dancing with someone you find attractive
  • Have coffee and a long chat with someone you find attractive
  • Go out to dinner and a show with someone you find attractive
  • Hug someone
  • Cuddle someone
  • Cuddle someone naked
  • Go on a vacation with someone
  • Sleep in the same bed with someone
  • Give or receive a foot massage
  • Give or receive a full body massage
  • Kiss someone lightly
  • Kiss someone passionately
  • French kiss someone
  • Hot chat with someone
  • Have phone sex with someone
  • Buy an expensive gift for someone you’re attracted to
  • Give or receive a hickey
  • Suck someone’s breasts
  • Engage in light petting with someone
  • Engage in heavy petting with someone
  • Give someone oral sex
  • Receive oral sex from someone
  • Have an orgasm with someone
  • Give someone an orgasm
  • Have intercourse without having an orgasm
  • Have intercourse with an orgasm
  • Have unprotected intercourse
  • Have a threesome with your partner
  • Have a threesome without your partner
  • Say to someone else “I love you” and mean it
  • Doing any of the above more than once
  • Doing any of the above more than once with the same person
  • Do any of the above with a member of the same sex
  • Do any of the above without telling your primary partner about it beforehand
  • Do any of the above without telling your primary partner at all

There are many possibilities for your boundaries. And your partner’s boundaries may be different than yours.

Think about:

  1. Your boundaries for yourself
  2. Your boundaries for your partner
  3. Your partner’s boundaries for his/herself
  4. Your partner’s boundaries for you

Each of these items may be quite different.

A problem that occurs often in relationships is that people don’t clearly define their boundaries. They just assume they know what their boundaries are and that their partner’s boundaries are similar. This makes it easy for either you or your partner to gradually slide across the border into the realm of “cheating” without ever really deciding to do so.

It would be very rare for someone to say, “I’m going to cheat on my partner.” What happens instead is that at some point, you discover you’ve already slipped across the border without trying to do so, and once you realize you’re already on the other side, then you figure you might as well make the best of it.

You don’t have to get this explicit if you don’t want to, but if you’ve had problems with cheating in the past, perhaps it would be wise to start by clarifying your boundaries with your partner.

You can’t force a boundary on your partner. Either they’ll willingly agree to it, or they won’t. If your boundaries are miles apart, and you or your partner resist closing the gap, then you’re probably better off looking for more compatible matches.

When you agree to certain boundaries and feel good about it, you have a good shot of avoiding cheating, regardless of where your boundaries actually are. If you don’t define your boundaries or if you and your partner only agree verbally but not in your hearts, then you’ve created the space to invite cheating into your relationship.

This article is specifically about cheating, but you can define boundaries in other ways too. For example, if you’re in an open relationship, then you may have very liberal boundaries sexually, so you may be hard-pressed to define anything there as cheating. However, you may still have important boundaries that involve safety, honesty, and kindness that may not fall within the realm of cheating. It’s a good idea to define those too if you and your partner can come to an agreement.

For example, if a friend tells you something in confidence, will you automatically share that with your partner? And will you let your friend know in advance that anything she tells you will be shared with your partner? Or do you slide into the gray area of assuming you’ll share everything with your partner and imagining that your friend expects this, even as you fear that if you told her this up front, she might decide to share less with you?

Signs of Cheating

Despite your best efforts, cheating can still occur. You may have control over your part of the commitment, but you don’t control your partner. Your partner remains free to make his/her own choices, including choices that may violate your mutually agreed upon commitment. It happens.

If you suspect your partner of cheating, you’re probably right, even if you don’t have much objective proof. It’s certainly not uncommon, and when you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while, you may intuitively or logically notice that something has shifted.

Quite often, however, even when clear signs of cheating are present, people go into denial. They don’t want to believe it’s happening. So in order to preserve the illusion of their monogamous relationship, they pretend everything is okay and try to avoid confrontation.

There are many telltale signs of cheating, some subtle and some not so subtle. No single sign may be a smoking gun, but what do you see when you look at the big picture?

These signs of cheating include:

  • lipstick smudges or perfume odors that didn’t come from you
  • your partner becomes unusually private about protecting his/her email
  • higher than usual phone bills
  • your partner is vague when telling you about travel, nights out, etc.
  • you catch your partner lying to you
  • your mutual friends start distancing themselves from you or acting strange around you
  • people suddenly get quiet when you enter the room
  • if your partner is on the computer, s/he quickly switches apps or hides windows when you walk in
  • your partner shows sudden changes in sex patterns, such as wanting sex more/less often or wanting to experiment with new techniques
  • you find unexplained condoms, birth control, underwear, Viagra, etc.
  • your existing condom supply diminishes faster than you can account for
  • your partner becomes more emotionally distant and communicates less often or less deeply with you
  • your partner runs errands that seem to take much longer than they should
  • if you confront your partner about possible cheating, s/he blows up at you
  • when you ask your partner about certain discrepancies, the explanation doesn’t sound believable to you
  • your partner hides credit card statements or other bills
  • your partner seems to be withdrawing more cash from the ATM than usual, and you can’t discern where it’s going
  • you find unexplained receipts for things like meals and entertainment
  • your partner seems to be doing more business travel than usual, but there isn’t a good explanation for it like a promotion, transfer, or new work project.
  • your partner seems to be eating less and/or you’re spending less on food, suggested there are meals that are unaccounted for
  • your partner dresses nicer than usual when running errands
  • your partner seems unusually interested in getting in shape
  • you learn that your partner missed a day of work when s/he was supposedly working
  • your partner supposedly puts in more hours “at the office,” but there’s no overtime pay or promotion forthcoming
  • your partner is supposedly working late, but you can’t reach him/her when you call
  • your partner has unexplained marks like hickeys or scratches
  • your partner begins wearing his/her wedding ring less often than usual or seemingly forgets to put it on
  • your partner stops taking the kids along on errands when s/he used to do that
  • your partner says “I love you” less often, seems more distant when s/he says it, or seems more distant when you say it
  • your partner seems to resist or delay making future plans with you, such as buying a new car or getting pregnant
  • your partner spends less time with you or seems to be avoiding you
  • your partner becomes unusually critical or hostile
  • your partner seems to be spending a lot more time online or on the phone
  • it’s more difficult than usual to get in touch with your partner when s/he’s out at work
  • your partner takes extra showers, such as immediately after getting home from work or errands
  • your partner does laundry at unusual times
  • your partner takes longer than usual to reply to text messages or seems annoyed when you call
  • your partner behaves strangely when the suspected target is nearby
  • your partner orgasms less frequently than usual during sex
  • your partner suggests that you go on trips without him/her, such as visiting your family for a few days
  • your partner boosts your cell phone plan to add more minutes or text capabilities, but it’s a mystery where that extra capacity is going
  • you catch your partner using their cell phone in odd locations like the backyard or garage
  • your partner accuses you of cheating, but you aren’t
  • your partner starts changing passwords on accounts you used to be able to access
  • your partner seems to intentionally pick fights with you
  • your partner changes or hides his/her relationship status on social networking sites
  • your partner goes out with friends, but if you call the friends s/he is supposedly with, they obviously aren’t out with your partner
  • your partner’s sex techniques change suddenly
  • your partner buys new lingerie that she never seems to wear
  • some of your partner’s clothing goes missing
  • your partner guards/hides their cell phone and never leaves it lying around unattended
  • your partner frequently nukes all saved text messages and/or emails
  • your partner incorrectly remembers gifts s/he gave you but which you never received
  • your partner shuts down and password protects their computer when they leave

Perhaps the #1 sign of cheating is the sinking feeling that your partner is cheating on you. If you get that feeling, you’re probably right.

Incidentally, when cheating does occur, quite often it’s with a co-worker. Most people have sex with a co-worker at some point in their lives, and sometimes they do it when they’re already in a relationship with someone else.

Dealing With Cheating

If cheating should occur, or if you’re suspicious of cheating, it’s entirely up to you how you wish to respond to it. There’s no single right or wrong solution.

Many people bury their heads in the sand and pretend it’s not happening. This usually doesn’t work so well. It may retain the frame of the relationship, but it kills your chances of lasting intimacy. It may successfully preserve your lifestyle and financial situation for a while though if that’s all you care about.

Some people confront and then forgive their partners. Much of the time the cheating pattern returns, often with the same person but sometimes with new partners.

Some people leave the relationship. Quite often, however, they enter into another relationship where the same cheating pattern surfaces again.

If you find yourself in this situation, take responsibility for it. You chose this particular partner. There were probably warning signs that you chose to disregard. You may have valued certain factors like security above happiness. You may have been excessively clingy and unwilling to accept the truth. You may be harboring the belief that it’s difficult to find good partners.

I’m not saying you should blame yourself or beat yourself up about it. Nor do you need to become hyper-vigilant and paranoid that it may happen again. Simply take responsibility for your role in the situation, consider what lessons you learned, forgive your partner, and move on from it.

My preference is to acknowledge that people always have other options for connection, and they may enjoy other partners besides me, even if we’re in a close relationship together. Rather than seeing this as a problem, I see it as an opportunity to expand my experience of love, shifting it from attachment to abundance. I understand that any woman I get involved with is going to have other options. I also know that change is the only constant. She may change. I may change. Both of us may change. There’s nothing wrong with that per se.

Everyone is unique. Monogamy works very well for some people, while others thrive in open relationships. The key is to figure out what forms of connection work best for you, and then be true to yourself and honor who you are. It may take some experimentation to discover what’s most important to you, but each new connection will teach you valuable lessons about yourself, even those that end in heartbreak.

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Committed Relationships

If you say you’re in a committed relationship, what does that mean? What are you actually committing to?

If I ask some people who claim to be in committed relationships what they mean by it, they might say things like:

I’m committed to my partner.

This answer is pretty vague, wouldn’t you agree? It could mean anything. Committed to what specifically?

How is this any different than taking care of your dog?

I’m committed to loving my partner.

That’s a step forward but still essentially a cop-out. Love is wonderful, but what’s the actual committment you’re claiming to make? To feel the emotion of love for your partner 24/7? To feel loving at least once every couple days? To hug your partner 5 times per week? To live together in the same household? To have joint finances?

What are you actually saying? Temba, his arms wide.

I’m committed to having a spiritual bond with my partner.

I feel like I’m asking a Ferengi how much they’d like to donate.

Believing that you’re creating a spiritual bond is great and wonderful and all. But once you return from Narnia, then what are we really talking about here? Are you meditating together till your chakras look like a bowl of Lucky Charms? Are you smoking the same joint as one? What will we actually see of this spiritual bond you speak of?

When you define your commitment in such a vague way, there’s so much wiggle room that we could say you haven’t actually committed to anything yet. This is laziness masquerading as commitment.

I’m committed to only having sex with my partner.

At least we’re getting specific now.

I’m sure your partner is very shaggable, but this is merely exclusivity. Is that all there is to commitment? If you’re exclusive with someone, is that sufficient to claim that you’re in a committed relationship together?

And does this mean that prior to your current relationship, you were in a committed relationship with your hand? ;)

I’m committed to my partner’s highest good.

Praise Hestia!

What’s your partner’s highest good? Are you sure it involves being with you?

Does this highest good include encouraging your partner to leave once you suspect that being in a relationship with you is no longer (or perhaps never was) equal to their highest good?

I’m committed to your highest good. Does that mean I’m in a committed relationship with you?

I’m committed to loving, cherishing, honoring, and obeying my partner.

How original.

What does that actually mean though? How does this translate into what we can perceive? You can love, cherish, and honor a friend or family member if you so desire. What’s so special about how this shows up in your committed relationship?

I like the obeying part though. Yum! ;)

Defining Commitment

One reason so many relationships involve cheating, lying, and secrets is that the commitments are poorly defined. This creates gray areas that can be easily stretched until you reach the point of having crossed the border into breaking that commitment, but it isn’t clear at what point the border was specifically crossed.

How will you know if you’re honoring your commitment or not?

Be specific. Start by explicitly defining what your commitment looks like. What do you expect of each other? What have you decided to co-create together?

Talk about actions, events, feelings, reactions, expectations, and consequences. Step out of the conceptual realm, and move into the world of what’s perceivable. If you’re going to make a commitment, then let it be grounded in reality. Bring it over to this side of the wardrobe.

Making a subjective commitment is wonderful. That’s a good start. It’s perfectly fine to begin with abstractions like loving and honoring each other. But if it’s a real commitment — and not an airy fairy nebulous one that could mean anything — then there will be an objective side to it as well. The subjective and objective commitments are two sides of the same coin. Ultimately you can’t have one without the other.

If there’s genuine love present, how do you intend for it to manifest? Will this translate into flowers, joint finances, and having kids? Or will it show up as sailing around the world together, sharing bottles of wine, and hours-long lovemaking sessions? Or is it simply a matter of texting “I <3 U, Schmoopie!” twenty times a day?

Everyone has a different understanding of commitment. If you assume your partner’s notion of commitment is the same as yours, good luck with that. It’s a well-trodden path to disappointment and heartbreak. Be prepared for that slow sinking feeling down the road.

Reality vs. Semantics

As you discuss your commitment with your partner, be careful not to get lost fussing over the exact meaning of words like commitment and cheating. The exact labels you use aren’t that important. What matters is that you focus on what’s real and grounded and experiential as opposed to getting too abstract and vague.

Talk about what your commitment means to you in a grounded way. It may be less romantic than the ungrounded version, but creating that level of clarity can deepen your connection. You’ll tend to feel more connected when you and your partner clarify what you expect of each other and what you’re willing to give.

Saying that you expect your partner to love, cherish, and be faithful to you is likely to create headaches down the road. Instead, replace these vagaries with a specific expectation like, “If you were to kiss another woman in a way that’s more than a friendly greeting or a peck on the cheek, such as if you were to make out with her or French kiss her, I’d consider that a violation of our commitment, and I’d feel hurt and betrayed.” Or say, “I’d like you to take at least one specific action each day that you expect will make me feel loved and cared for, such as making me a nice dinner; going for walk together while holding my hand; cuddling me on the couch as we watch a movie; looking into my eyes and saying ‘I love you and care about you’; or slapping a slave collar on me, commanding me to strip, tying me to the bed, and shagging me rotten.”

Updating Your Commitment

As your relationship evolves over time, it’s wise to update your commitment now and then. Talk with your partner about the changes you’re experiencing. If you can’t renegotiate your commitment in a way that feels good to you both, then agree to let go with love, and give yourselves the freedom to seek out new partners who feel good about making the commitments you each desire.

You don’t actually have to commit to anything. So if the idea of being specific doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s absolutely fine to let go and to allow your relationship path unfold as it will. In that case, don’t get too attached to the idea of commitment as it relates to any one person, as it will simply devolve into attachment and clinginess. Commitment requires free choice, not obligation.

If you claim to be in a committed relationship but you don’t have a specific commitment with your partner that goes beyond the use of vague and ill-defined words, then don’t be too surprised when your connection gradually becomes something that appears committed on the surface but lacks the true spirit of commitment in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you haven’t spelled out any specific commitments, then you’re better off not using the C-word to describe your relationship. But if you still want to feel the spirit of commitment without going through the trouble of defining it, use a slave collar instead.

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How I Write

In this article I’ll share the specific process I use to write articles, from initial concept to final publication, including the step-by-step details. If this topic interests you, hopefully you’ll gain some insights that will help you improve your craft of writing.

I don’t write the way I was taught in school, nor do I write like many people would expect. I can’t guarantee that my approach will work for you, but there’s no doubt that it works well for me.

Obviously I write a lot, and I like to think I’ve gotten pretty good at it. Within the past six years, I’ve written more than a thousand articles and a book. In total that’s a few million words of published content, enough to fill about 25-30 books.

How Fast I Write

Typically I create publishable content at a rate of more than 1000 words per hour, and this includes idea time and editing time. A 2000-word article usually takes me around 100 minutes, and a 4000-word article typically takes around 3.5 hours. The longer an article is, the more complex the structure tends to be, so speed doesn’t scale quite linearly with length. When I get to 8000 words for a single piece, that might take around 10 hours.

Sometimes I’m slower, and sometimes times I’m faster, but these figures are about average for me. Most of the time I’d say my writing speed is within +/-25% one way or the other.

I write most of my articles in a single session, maybe with bathroom or food breaks if I need them. I rarely spread the writing of an article over more than one day, regardless of its length. Once I get an idea for a new article, it’s like a race to get it written, edited, and published as quickly as I can.

If I get an idea for a new article while I’m exercising in the morning (a common occurrence), I usually want to see it published on my website by lunchtime. My most common writing period is between breakfast and lunch, which is sufficient to write and post an article of 2000-4000 words.

The Process I Abandoned

In school I was taught to write using a process that looks something like this:

  1. Choose a topic to write about.
  2. Identify the key points.
  3. Create an outline that includes the key points and supporting ideas.
  4. Turn the outline into topic sentences.
  5. Build the topic sentences into full paragraphs.
  6. Edit the content for unity, coherence, and flow.
  7. Proofread to correct mistakes and typos.

I’ve written a number of articles using such a process, but I largely abandoned this approach years ago. The main reason is that it’s too slow. If I wrote using this approach, it would take me at least 3-4x as long to write each article. This process may have made sense back in days of typewriters, where error correction was tedious. But it’s a poor choice in the age of reliable word processing software. When was the last time you even used a typewriter? I haven’t used one since the 80s.

Secondly, this method bores me. Partly that’s a side effect of its lack of speed. I’m not a particularly patient person. If I get struck by a cool idea, I want to express it ASAP. An idea that’s imperfectly expressed immediately provides far more value than an idea expressed perfectly but delayed indefinitely. Not true for a NASA space mission perhaps, but it holds true for most human communication.

Another problem with this process is that it tends to produce stunted writing that lacks style. Articles I’ve written this way come across as academic and over-engineered. Usually they’re flops in terms of effectiveness. They don’t connect well emotionally, they don’t impact people much, and they don’t do a good job of generating referrals. These are the kinds of articles that look nice on the surface, but a week later you won’t remember that you read them. If I turned them in for a college writing class, I’d probably get an A grade though. English professors often reward structure and grammar. The real world doesn’t care much about those things; it rewards writing that connects emotionally and impacts people.

Many of us have been educated to produce work like Peter Keating, but if you want to be an effective writer, I suggest you model Howard Roark instead. Write for the love of writing. Find a way to write that you truly enjoy. This may require abandoning what you were taught in school. (If you don’t know who Roark and Keating are, then you should read more too. Google them.)

My Actual Writing Process

The actual process I use for writing articles looks like this:

  1. Receive an idea and feel inspired to write about it. I get the feeling, “This would make a cool article,” or “I’ll bet people would like to read about this.”
  2. Go to my computer, open the editor in WordPress, type a working title for the piece, and immediately begin writing whatever flows out of me, in full sentences and paragraphs. Keep going until I’ve completed the first draft.
  3. Edit the draft from top to bottom to improve structure, flow, and readability. Proofread and fix typos in the same pass. Keep going till I’m done editing and the piece is 100% complete.
  4. If it’s a blog post, select the categories for the post (takes about 20 seconds).
  5. If it’s a blog post, click Publish, or set it to be published at a future date/time.

Usually I go through all these steps without any breaks (other than bathroom breaks as needed). If I do need a break (usually for food but sometimes just to stretch), the best place to take it is between steps 2 and 3.

I don’t outline first. I just start writing. It’s too difficult to create an outline when I don’t even know what I’m going to be writing. I have to see what flows out of me before I can figure out how to organize it.

Ideas

Ideas are everywhere. If you pay attention, you’ll notice that you get struck by interesting ideas all the time. You probably just don’t act on them. Maybe you actively talk yourself out of them, or you just let the energy of those ideas fade away.

Where do I get ideas for new articles?

Sometimes ideas just pop into my head. This often happens when I’m exercising, going for a walk, running errands, taking a shower, or eating a meal. When I get a cool idea, I note it and then do my best to write it as soon as I can. Since I spend so much time thinking about personal growth, my subconscious has a pretty huge knowledge bank in this field. Almost every day it brings new insights and patterns to my attention.

Sometimes a new idea gets triggered by a forum post, email, Facebook message, conversation, book, or some other interaction. The seed idea combines with my existing knowledge and triggers a stream of thoughts in a new direction. I soon realize those thoughts could be expressed as an article. Sometimes I’ve been in the middle of replying to someone in the forums or typing an email, and it strikes me that other people would probably benefit from reading it, so I cut and paste what I’ve got into WordPress and turn it into an article instead. That way it can benefit more people.

Sometimes when I feel like writing, but I don’t have an inspired idea at the moment, I sit down with my laptop, take a deep breath, relax, and close my eyes. Then I simply say to the universe (usually out loud), “Give me a kick-ass article idea,” or “Show me what I can write that will help people.” I quiet my mind and wait. Occasionally some weak ideas pop up, but if they don’t arrive in an envelope of inspiration (i.e. if they don’t grab me to the point that I feel excited and motivated to express them), then I simply nudge them aside and let them go. I return to the blank slate.

It rarely takes more than 2-3 minutes for the kick-ass idea to arrive. When I get the idea, I may let it slosh around in my mind for a few minutes as the full idea streams in. I usually start typing within 3-5 minutes after I start receiving the idea.

If no idea is forthcoming within 5 minutes, then I accept that I don’t need to be writing at that time. There’s something else I need to attend to. So I say aloud, “Show me what would be better than writing right now.” Then I go through the same process. Eventually I get an inspired packet to go do something else, and I jump into action immediately.

If I still don’t get any ideas coming through, then I imagine that the universe is saying to me, “There’s nothing important that you need to do at this particular time, so go ahead and enjoy some downtime.” So I take a break from writing and big projects and enjoy some time away from it. Usually I start getting more inspired ideas within a few days.

I don’t maintain a list of article ideas, I don’t actively brainstorm ideas in advance, and I generally don’t ask for suggestions. I’ve done all of those things in the past, but they don’t work well for me in practice. At one point I had a list of about 200 new article ideas. When I scanned it for something to write about, I was usually bored by everything on it.

If I get a suggestion from someone for a new article, I’ll normally write about it that same day if it excites me. Otherwise I simply let it go. Ideas by themselves have no value to me. There’s an infinite supply of ideas. The present-moment inspired ideas are the ones worth exploring.

Inspirational energy has a half life of about 24 hours. If I act on an idea immediately (or at least within the first few hours), I feel optimally motivated, and I can surf that wave of energy all the way to clicking “Publish.” If I sit on an idea for one day, I feel only half as inspired by it, and I have to paddle a lot more to get it done. If I sit on it for 2 days, the inspiration level has dropped by 75%, and for all practical purposes, the idea is dead. If I try to write it at that point, it feels like pulling teeth. It’s much better for me to let it go and wait for a fresh wave. There will always be another wave, so there’s no need to chase the ones I missed.

Sometimes when I miss an idea, it comes around again, perhaps months or years later. And usually the timing is much better.

Writing articles is very much like surfing. Each wave is unique and different, and it’s a fun ride to shore. As soon as I get to shore though, I want to swim back out and catch another wave.

I wouldn’t say that my articles are divinely inspired, but I frequently receive inspiration from what seems to be the collective superconscious mind. After I publish articles based on inspired ideas, someone almost always mentions that my choice of topic is a major synchronicity for them. This doesn’t happen, however, if I select topics for reasons other than present-moment inspiration. For whatever reason, the article that’s an inspiration for me to write is also an inspiration for someone to read.

The way I see it is that when people vibrationally ask for help, meaning that they’re holding that desire strongly, and those people are within my sphere of influence, and it’s within my expertise to help them, then I’m able to pick up their collective vibrations. People are like radio transmitters, and if they’re transmitting loudly enough, I can receive those signals. Sometimes I notice those signals by intentionally listening out for them. Other times they arrive as strong, short pulses while my mind isn’t heavily occupied by something else.

I don’t see this as a woo-woo thing but rather as a real physical phenomenon, perhaps one that can be instrumentally measured someday. I suspect that modern neuroscience simply needs to catch up to it. The discovery of mirror neurons may be a step in the right direction. Our brains are more connected than we once realized, but what’s the true nature of that connection? I don’t fully fathom how this works, but that doesn’t stop me from using it.

I would say that my #1 strength as a writer is that I’ve gotten good at listening to the voice of inspiration, and when it speaks, I act on it fast. You cannot ask a passing wave to wait until you’re ready.

Inspired Writing

When I get an inspired idea for a new article, it’s like watching a 2-minute preview of a movie I’ve never seen. I only get a brief glimpse of what it’s about. I can’t tell you exactly what the story is or how it ends. If it’s a good preview, I think, “I totally want to go see that!” Similarly, when I get an idea that inspires me, my reaction is, “I totally want to go write that!”

When I begin writing a new article, I’ve only seen the preview. I don’t know what all the key points will be. I don’t know how it will be developed. But I have some overall idea of what the premise is and what it’s about. I could tell you if it’s likely to be humorous or dramatic or compassionate in its tone, much like you can tell from a movie preview whether it’s a drama, comedy, romance, etc.

The act of writing the article is pleasurable. It feels at least as good as watching a really good movie. Just as every movie is different, the experience of writing every article is different too. If I write something funny, it often makes me laugh out loud. If I write something deep and emotional, I sometimes cry. If I write something that’s likely to push people’s buttons, I might cringe a bit, especially when I click “Publish.”

Writing doesn’t feel like work to me — unless I use the old process, that is. When I write using my preferred process, I feel more like a witness to the writing rather than the one doing the writing. It’s like watching a movie from the inside.

Imagine if you could watch a movie in immersive 3D, like a virtual reality version. You’ve seen the preview, and it looked cool to you, but you don’t really know how the story will unfold. You step into that virtual character and let go. It immediately takes over and controls your physical body, directing all your words, actions, and interactions with the other characters. At any time you can consciously stop it and take a break or quit, just as you can get up and leave a movie theater at any time. But it’s more fun to relax into it and enjoy the ride. You know it’s a temporary experience that will end on its own if you simply let it play out.

That’s what writing feels like to me. I step out of the way and let the content (i.e. the story) flow through me. I feel like an immersed observer.

When you’re totally immersed in a good movie, it’s like you’re really there. For a while you forget who you are. You become the experience.

When I’m writing an article, I lose myself in it. I become the experience of writing. I relax into it, and my fingers start pushing buttons without my having to consciously think about what I’m doing.

I wouldn’t say it’s passive, but it’s about as passive as watching a very immersive movie. You still need to pay attention to what’s happening on the screen, and it won’t be the same experience if you zone out, but it definitely doesn’t feel like work, The English Patient notwithstanding.

Much like you’d experience while watching a movie or reading a novel, I experience story-like elements such as foreshadowing and flashbacks when I write. As paragraphs flow onto the screen, I catch glimpses of what’s coming around the next bend.

Editing

It’s only after I’ve written the whole first draft that I actually know what I’m writing. Only then could I tell you what the article is about.

The editing phase typically takes me about as long as the initial writing does. So if it took me an hour to write the first draft, I can expect to spend another hour doing the editing.

Here’s what I do during the editing phase:

  1. Read what I’ve written in linear order from top to bottom, rephrasing sentences and paragraphs as I go, to increase overall clarity and flow.
  2. Make cuts to reduce redundancy and verbal flabbiness.
  3. Add personal stories, anecdotes, and examples to make abstractions more grounded, so people can more easily relate to and apply the ideas.
  4. Add section headings where transitions occur. (Sometimes I’ve already added them during the writing phase.)
  5. Move paragraphs and sections around; give the piece a logical structure that makes sense.
  6. Turn paragraph-style lists into bullet lists if I think it would improve the flow.
  7. Fix typos that were introduced by the Typo Gremlin.
  8. Add more humor if I feel so inclined, and remove humor that I feel was too weak or inappropriate.
  9. Smooth out the language to give the piece an overall style that meshes well with the subject matter (friendly, challenging, compassionate, gentle, satirical, etc).
  10. Refine the opening and closing.
  11. Look at my working title. If I think it still works, keep it. Otherwise replace it with a more suitable title.

This process is similar to editing a movie. However, I don’t have to spend as much time on the script up front because I don’t incur heavy costs for mistakes made during the filming. I can easily go back and re-film scenes or add scenes during the editing phase. So my process involves blasting out a script as quickly as I can, filming all the scenes in linear order, and making a rough cut ASAP. It’s only when I’ve watched that first cut that I really begin to understand what the movie is about. After watching it, I get plenty of ideas for how to make it better. Then I take that knowledge to the editing room and turn that rough cut into the movie I feel it’s supposed to become.

Usually I make a single editing pass only, but for fairly complex pieces or for pieces where the first editing pass was unusually heavy, I may make a second pass. During this second pass, I’ll tighten up the wording more and try to catch typos I missed on the previous pass.

Typically the piece will grow 20-30% longer during the editing phase, mainly because of the extra stories, examples, and analogies I add. So a 2000-word article might expand to 2500 words during the editing.

Editing an article isn’t as much fun as writing the first draft, but I wouldn’t say it’s tedious or painful. When I get to the editing phase, I know I’m on the home stretch towards publishing the piece. I often glance at the scrollbar on the side of the editing window as I edit, using it like a progress bar. I like seeing that little blue bar move from top to bottom, signaling mini-milestones along the way such as half done, 75% done, almost there, and 100% complete.

When I reach 100% completion, I often verbally acknowledge that I’m done with a  ”Whew!” or “Awesome!” or “Yeah, baby!” :)

Typos

The Typo Gremlin has long been my greatest nemesis. It’s rare that I publish an article without at least a few typos slipping through. Partly this has to do with the process I use.

Mac OS X includes a built-in real-time spellchecker, so if I make a typo that’s also a spelling error, it gets flagged as soon as I hit the spacebar to move on to the next word. I fix those typos right away. So you’ll rarely see these kinds of typos in my articles, but occasionally one of them will slip through.

Since I normally make just one editing pass, I usually miss a few typos because I’m focused on other things during that editing pass, such as improving the flow and structure.

If I wanted to do a better job of catching typos, I’d do a second editing pass just for proofreading. I rarely do that, however. Catching and correcting typos is boring and requires slow and careful reading. Usually I feel the effort isn’t worth it. I’m willing to let a few typos slip through in order to save time.

If I do that extra proofreading pass, I can rarely limit myself to just proofreading. I’ll almost always felt drawn to make higher level edits as well. I tend to get sucked into over-polishing. I could spend an extra hour on an article just to make it 5% better. I don’t think that’s a good use of my time. I’m better off publishing it and moving on to the next article. Once I see the feedback, then I can decide whether or not to write a follow up piece.

Typos are rarely so bad as to obfuscate the meaning. If I type the word “it” instead of “if,” for instance, people can still figure out what I meant. A word or two out of place will rarely mess up the meaning so badly that it confuses people. And no single sentence is usually critical either.

Writing is a very fault-tolerant medium. With computer programming, one character out of place could easily prevent your code from running at all. But the human brain is very good at error correction and pattern matching. U cn mk lts of mstks, nd ppl cn stll ndrstnd U.

After I publish a piece, if there are some glaring typos, people will often point them out to me. I always fix typos when people point them out, but I don’t go out of my way to solicit typo reports.

I think it’s better to write 10 good articles that include a few typos each vs. writing 7 good articles that are typo-free. I use the law of diminishing returns, and the return on typo correction drops off massively beyond a certain point.

For a book that’s going to be in print, I’ll put more effort into fixing typos, and there will be other sets of eyes looking at the manuscript too. But after a book goes to print, you have to wait till a future printing in order to fix typos, and it takes more work to do so. For a blog post that’s already published, I can fix a typo and update the public version in less than a minute.

Titles

When I give the piece a working title before I start writing it, I use whatever pops into my head first. I rarely think about it for more than 10 seconds. I know I can always change it later.

After I’ve written and edited the piece, then I put a bit of thought into the title. Perhaps 20-30% of the time, I feel that my working title is fine, so I keep it. This is more likely to happen with very short and obvious titles. If I get inspired to write about gratitude, then I may simply title it Gratitude (and then some pesky mirror site might come along, disagree with such a broad title, and rename it to Gratitude and Wealth ;) ).

When considering titles, I don’t do keyword research for search engine placement. I do, however, give some thought to keywords. I ask myself if I think it’s likely that people will be actively searching for information on this topic. If so, then I’ll often use a simple keyword-rich title that should align with what they’re looking for.

I’m not particularly precise about which keywords I use, but I aim to make reasonably intelligent choices.

I tend to rank high on the keywords I select almost immediately. Quite often, my new articles will rank in the top 10 on Google for their titles within minutes after I publish them.

Google seems to give me a lot of initial credibility no matter what I write about, so even before people have had time to read and link to my newest article, it’s already showing up in searches. Then over a period of weeks, the article will settle into a more stable position. That long-term position is probably based on more typical SEO factors like the article’s content, the number of backlinks, and how much competition there is for those keywords. But it appears that Google loves me enough to give me an initial ranking that’s very high much of the time, which gives each new article some quick exposure there. If the article picks up a lot of backlinks, then it may soon displace some of the long-term position holders for those keywords. This happens quite often.

It’s as if Google’s algorithm says, “Okay, Steve. You’ve written some good stuff in the past, and much of it has become popular, so for each new piece you write, we’ll take our best guess at where you probably deserve to rank, based on your past performance. If your article proves that it belongs there, such as by picking up a lot of backlinks or generating buzz in some other way we can track, then you’ll retain that position or move up higher. But if not, we’ll drop it down hard and fast. Have a nice day!”

I don’t use black-hat SEO tricks or get involved in crazy schemes. I never use those “we can help you rank #1″ SEO services. In my opinion the SEO field is largely a sham, motivated mainly by greed. You don’t need it. Search engines like Google have teams of engineers figuring out how to list the most relevant, quality material for a given search while filtering out what doesn’t deserve to be there. They aren’t perfect, but they keep improving at it. Work with them, not against them, and you’ll find that time is on your side.

I don’t go back and revise the content of articles or the subheads to try to punch up the keyword frequency. I simply aim to produce the best content I can. I do my job, and I let the search engines do theirs.

I’d say that the main reason my articles tend to rank well on Google is that they deserve to be there. Google seems to do a pretty good job of settling my articles into the positions where I might objectively agree they deserve to be listed, if I may be so objective. Let’s just say that I’m rarely surprised.

I know that if I want to rank into the top 10, then it’s up to me to write a top-1o worthy piece, but that part isn’t completely up to me. I handle the writing, and I let others decide the ranking.

I don’t worry about what other writers are doing. I don’t do market research or look at what’s already been written on a topic. I simply write what I’m inspired to write.

I write for human beings, not for search engines. When I choose a keyword-rich title, I’m not doing it primarily for search engines. I’m doing it to make it easier for human beings to find what I’ve written. I recognize that many people find my articles through search, and it doesn’t serve them if I make my articles difficult to find by giving them cutesy, obscure, irrelevant, or misleading titles. When I write something that I believe has value, I want people to be able to find it, read it, and benefit from it. Clear, direct titles are a must.

If I feel there isn’t likely to be a lot of search volume on a particular subject, then I don’t fuss over keywords. I just give the piece a title that I believe will appeal to the people who would benefit from reading it.

I titled this article “How I Write.” That isn’t a keyword-rich title. I doubt there are a lot of people searching for this particular topic, so I don’t care about the search rankings for it. There may be a lot of people searching for information on “how to write” or “how to write an article,” but that isn’t the piece I actually wrote.

This piece is for people who want to know more about the specific writing process I use. I gave the piece a clear and obvious title that should catch their eye if this subject interests them, and if they don’t care about this topic, they’ll know they can skip it.

Because of the way I write and title my articles, I don’t have to shift tactics each time Google changes its algorithm or each time another technology shift happens. I don’t have to worry about my methods going sour.

My social media strategy is the same as my search engine strategy. I aim to give my articles meaningful titles that facilitate the delivery of value. It doesn’t matter whether people search for these topics explicitly or if they share a link with their Facebook friends or Twitter followers. I trust that the content I create will eventually reach the eyes of those who should receive it. If they don’t find it via search, then someone may share it with them.

Tools

The vast majority of the time I write my articles directly into WordPress via my web browser. I’ve tried external editors in the past, but I prefer going straight through the browser. I feel this actually helps me because I write each new article on the same website where I’ve already published hundreds of other articles. This creates some positive pressure to get the piece completed and published. It’s like the previously published articles are saying to the new article, “Hey there, new arrival… come join us!”

I use Google Chrome (Mac version) for my browser. I like Chrome because it’s the speediest and most responsive browser I’ve used. I know some people love Firefox because of all the plug-ins, but I can’t stand it because it’s too frakkin’ slow. It should be called Fireslug. It would be nice if Chrome had more features, but not at the expense of speed.

I don’t use any special tools such as mind-mapping software. I think that would just slow me down.

I’ve tried dictation software in the past, and from time to time I check out the newest versions, but I’ve never found it practical enough to use regularly. The error rate is too high, and the verbal interface is clunky and tedious — worthless for editing. I also find it distracting to hear myself speaking while I’m trying to listen to the ideas that are coming through. It’s like talking during a movie.

Sometimes I listen to music when I write, mostly New Age with the volume pretty low. However, if there’s music playing, it usually slows me down by about 10%. I write fastest in silence. If I listen to music while editing, more typos will usually slip through. Even so, I do like listening to music when I write from time to time.

Writing My Book

I did not use this same process to write my book Personal Development for Smart People. To write the book I used a different process that was basically a hybrid of the two approaches I mentioned above.

First, I did tons of research for the book and put lots of thought into it. That took more than two years.

Once I figured out the core ideas, I created a high-level chapter outline for the book. Then I brainstormed what would go into each chapter and figured out what the subsections of those chapters would be.

To write each subsection, I used a process similar to my current writing process except that I didn’t have to wait for an inspired idea since I already had the topics worked out. Writing each section, however, was much more difficult and time consuming as opposed to what happens when I catch the wave of an inspired idea in the moment. It took several days to write the same amount of content I could otherwise crank out in less than a day.

The actual writing and editing part took about 3 months, but I had other projects going on at the same time, so it wasn’t a full-time endeavor. It also overlapped the holidays, so there were some breaks in there.

When I was done writing and editing it, the book went through an editing process with the publisher. They were very thorough, even catching an attribution error in one of my chapter opening quotes. I think it only took me a day or two to make all those additional edits.

This process worked. The book got finished, and I feel good about the quality of the content. Others seem to agree since it still averages 4.5 out of 5 stars with about 80 reviews on Amazon. However, I wouldn’t use this same process to write another book.

I didn’t enjoy this process nearly as much as the process I use for writing articles. I also found it too slow. It forced me to try to organize my ideas before I fully understood what I was writing. That was painstaking work, and it took lots of discipline to get through it. If I didn’t have a signed contract with a respected publisher expecting a manuscript from me, it would have taken much longer.

On the upside, the book is very highly structured. The organization is really tight. It’s definitely not a flabby book. People have told me they gain new insights from nearly every page.

The book is also very unique. The ideas are presented and structured in a way that’s unlike any other book.

The main criticism I received about the book is that it’s a bit too mental and doesn’t have the same energy that my articles do. I tend to agree. I feel I could have put more humor into it and spiced up stylistic elements without compromising the content.

If I were to write another book, I’d use an adapted version of my article writing process. This would mean that once I get an inspired idea for a book, I’d try to clear my schedule as much as possible and get that first draft written fast. I wouldn’t worry about the chapter structure. I’d just write and write and write until I felt I had all the core content down. That would probably take anywhere from several days to a few weeks, depending on how much time I had to devote to it. I expect I could sustainably crank out 5-10K words per day if I didn’t have anything else on my plate. Then I’d go over all the material and do a complete editing pass, splitting things into chapters and sections and reworking the text much like I do when editing articles. This would take several days to a few weeks as well. I’d probably give it at least 2-3 more editing passes to increase the polish and correct mistakes. Finally, I’d get some other eyes to help proofread it. Then I’d either hand it off to a publisher or self-publish it.

* * *

My writing process has evolved over many years, but it’s pretty stable these days. I can go from initial idea to published content in a matter of hours most of the time. With this process I can express myself quickly and deliver value to others rapidly. It works well.

Hopefully you found some useful insights here that you can adapt to your own writing process. Writing is a very personal experience, so ultimately you should use whatever works best for you. Keep experimenting.

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Focus and Discipline vs. Caring

After yesterday’s post on Life Purpose and Values, I saw some questions about why I dropped values like focus and self-discipline from my list. Are these values no longer important? Or do I feel I’ve mastered them to such a degree that they I don’t need to consciously think about them anymore?

Actually it’s neither.

Ironically I found that having such values on my list didn’t help me much when making decisions. They seem like good values to have, and I agree that they’re important, but in practice they served to obfuscate a deeper truth.

Does It Help to Focus on Focus?

Focus on what? Discipline yourself to do what?

What if you apply these values to the wrong pursuits?

When I was 19, I was very focused on shoplifting. I thought about it every day, kept improving my game, and disciplined myself to take action. And I got pretty good at it. Was that a wise choice?

Later I focused on running a computer games business. That focus gave me good results in some areas of life, but it also slowed me down in other areas. When I’d write an article to help people on the side, sometimes I’d chastise myself for it because writing articles would dilute my focus, drawing me away from publishing games. But I still felt motivated to write. I didn’t know I’d someday become a blogger, author, and speaker and end up writing more than 1,000 articles, having a book published in a dozen languages, and doing live workshops. Blogging didn’t even exist back then, at least not like it exists today. So even though it seems like a good value to have, if I’d clung to the value of focus more tightly than I did, I might still be writing computer games, ceasing all article writing as an unjustifiable distraction.

Look at your own life and ask yourself if focusing on becoming more focused has produced positive results for you. Is it paying off? Might it also be holding you back in some areas? Are you certain that your focal point is the best one for you?

In my case I would say there were some benefits to trying to become more focused and discipline as ends in themselves, but those results weren’t as strong as I’d hoped. I intuitively sensed that something was off. I’d do things that seemed more focused and disciplined, but often that made me feel more stressed and overwhelmed, which ironically make it harder to focus. Some part of me was resisting, and it wasn’t due to laziness.

I eventually realized that my resistance had to do with feeling disconnected. Often I would focus on actions that left me feeling unfulfilled, even though I initially expected to feel really good about the results. The deepest levels of drive and motivation weren’t coming through.

What’s Your Best Focal Point?

This got me thinking. Is there a better place to focus my attention, such that I’ll experience less resistance, feel more motivated, and be more fulfilled?

Eventually I figured out the focal point that works best for me. That focal point is caring.

That value has been present in my life for many years, but it wasn’t till recently that I became consciously aware of just how important it is to me.

The main reason I started this personal development website is that I care about helping people. You don’t succumb to writer’s block when you care. The words always flow. I’d find it harder to discipline myself not to write. I don’t have to discipline myself to write because I care about the topics I write about, and I care about the people who read my work. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t write anything.

Caring is why I’m a vegan. I have a deep sense of compassion for animals, and it breaks my heart to see them suffer needlessly. So I strive to keep reducing the amount of suffering I contribute to, and I keep holding the intention for us to co-create a more compassionate world. Perfection may not be realistic in such an inter-connected world. Nevertheless, I do the best I can. I’m not going to close my heart, even if it stings now and then. I know that joy and sorrow are a package deal.

Something that non-vegans are rarely aware of, but which many vegans know quite well, is that your relationships tend to improve significantly when you go vegan, partly because you feel much more connected to your fellow human beings. Even if you go vegan mainly for health reasons, as I initially did, a side effect is that your heart becomes less clogged (both physically and metaphorically). This allows you to feel and express love more strongly. After several years on this path, you look back to your past self and shudder to realize how cold and dark you once were. It generally takes years for this effect to play out, but a lot of vegans experience it. You can’t close your heart to animal suffering without also closing part of it to human suffering. When you open your heart more, and you behave more compassionately, initially it may seem more difficult to attract a decent relationship because your standards will be higher, but when you do connect with someone who cares as much as you do, the connection can be more intense than anything you’ve previously experienced.

Caring is the primary value I use in my relationships. I love to care for someone deeply and to express that caring — through affection, attention, playfulness, etc. I like making people feel good. This is why I resonate more with polyamory than monogamy. It doesn’t feel right to me to label caring for more than one person as cheating. Making love physically is one way among many to express caring, but for some it’s a powerful channel for giving and receiving love. If I’m going to discipline myself, then I might remind myself to give Rachelle a nice massage or to tell her how grateful I am for our connection. Or I might post some encouraging words on a friend’s Facebook page, or come up with a Twitter update that might help inspire people.

On the other hand, caring made it very difficult for me to separate from Erin. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt her. Our connection couldn’t be transformed until I realized that it wasn’t enough that we cared about each other; we also needed to feel cared for. Since Erin and I give and receive love in very different ways, it was a struggle for us to express caring in ways that the other would receive it. So we had to let go and allow each other to seek out more compatible partners. We continue to care about each other, but now we express it differently.

When I see other people who haven’t opened their hearts, and they struggle to find something to care about, I see that they suffer for it. I’ve seen how much happier people are when they finally open their hearts and begin to care. Often that begins with giving themselves permission to turn and face what breaks their hearts — and to stop holding back the tears. What is it that makes you cry? What would happen if you allowed yourself to care about it every day?

A New Level of Clarity

My new list of values does a better job of clarifying what I want to focus on.

Focusing on making more money or on achieving more success doesn’t motivate me to do my best work. Often it just makes me feel more stressed. But when I focus on caring about people and when I enter into that place of knowing that we’re all part of the greater body of humanity, everything flows beautifully. I feel stimulated even if I might otherwise be a bit tired or drowsy. There’s just enough tension to drive action but not so much to make me feel stressed or overwhelmed. My mind feels sharp and alert, and my thoughts become clear and focused, like I’m flowing down a river with the current. I’m able to concentrate well. And I have this warm and powerful feeling in the center of my chest. When I write from that place, people seem to resonate with it, and my words are often coincidentally synchronous with events in their lives. A greater level of harmony is achieved.

When I focus on values like caring and oneness, I feel more fulfilled. I become stronger and more disciplined because caring is intensely motivating. If you don’t care about what you’re doing, it’s very hard to discipline yourself. But when you really care, it’s actually harder not to take action. You’d practically have to be restrained.

Interestingly enough, isn’t that what society does to us sometimes? When certain activists go out and express how deeply they care about certain issues, you’ll sometimes see them being physically restrained by those who’ve been conditioned to keep their hearts closed.

What kind of world would you rather live in? Would you be happiest living in a very focused and disciplined world? What kind of imagery that does bring up? The Nazis perhaps?

Or would you rather live in a very caring world? What would it be like to live in a world where everyone cared about each other and about the planet as a whole? Wouldn’t this make us more focused, disciplined, and efficient too — and in the ways that matter?

I choose the latter. I understand the importance of becoming the change we wish to see in the world. I think that what our planet needs most at this time is for more of us to wake up and care, not just through feeling but through action. At this time in our history, it’s more important that we learn to care about each other than it is that we produce a new iThing.

When I listen carefully (= care fully) to what tugs at my heart strings, those strings begin to play music. That music is very beautiful.

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Life Purpose and Values

It’s been years since I last updated my life purpose statement and list of values. The last time was around 2005. My life has changed tremendously since then, and I’ve fallen out of sync with the old versions, so I invested some time this week in soul searching and introspecting to update these items.

The new life purpose statement I created is:

to care deeply, connect playfully, love intensely, and share generously;
to joyfully explore, learn, grow, and prosper;
and to creatively, brilliantly, and honorably serve the highest good of all.

I may continue to tweak this over time, but overall I feel it does a good job of encapsulating what’s important to me in life.

A life purpose statement is a very personal thing, so when you read someone else’s life purpose, it won’t necessarily mean much to you, but it has a special significance to the person who created it.

If you want help crafting your own life purpose statement, a good place to start is the article How to Discover Your Life Purpose in About 20 Minutes. If you have a copy of my book, you’ll find an updated version of this process along with some additional tips in the Career chapter in Part II.

My new values list, in order of priority, is:

  1. Caring (compassion, kindness, generosity)
  2. Oneness (unconditional love, connectedness, harmony)
  3. Devotion (passion, loyalty, intensity)
  4. Intimacy (honesty, openness, sharing)
  5. Exploration (curiosity, learning, adventure)
  6. Brilliance (genius, creativity, style)
  7. Honor (humility, gratitude, class)
  8. Playfulness (fun, humor, play)
  9. Prosperity (abundance, richness, wealth)

I found it easiest to clarify and then prioritize my values first, and then I used that list to help craft my life purpose statement. It took hours to clarify my values list, but once that was done, it took less than 30 minutes to come up with the new purpose statement.

Creating this list gave me some fresh insights about what’s most important to me.

The first 3 values (caring, oneness, devotion) involve creating a strong core of love, support, and connectedness. These values help align me with the principle of Love. When these values are fulfilled, I feel very happy and inspired, which is a great foundation for a purpose-driven life.

The next 2 values (intimacy and exploration) help me align with the principle of Truth. Once I have a strong base of Love, I’m motivated to reach out, share, and learn.

The 6th value (brilliance) is about expressing myself creatively. What unique value can I contribute to others? What’s the very best I have to share?

The last 3 values (honor, playfulness, prosperity) are about how I wish to enjoy and experience the game of life.

I was amazed to see how much my core values have changed. This is a very different list than any I’ve created in the past 20 years. Values that used to be near the top of the list include focus, discipline, and efficiency. Those aren’t nearly as important to me today. Now I feel it’s more important to lead with my heart.

If you want to update your own values list, I encourage you to take advantage of this extensive list of values as a brainstorming aid.

A shift in your values can cause you to shift your decisions and actions as well. For example, a few years ago when I removed all third-party advertising from my website, which caused my income to instantly drop by more than $100K per year (passive income to boot), some people thought I was nuts. But that decision was consistent with my values. As you can see from my current values list, it’s more important for me to care about people and make honorable choices than it is to increase my personal wealth and abundance. For someone with different values, however, the same decision might not have made them happy. I have no regrets about it though.

Much like a life purpose statement, a values list is a very personal thing. Someone else’s values might not mean much to you. It’s only when you see your own values written out that the benefits of having such a list become clear.

Some decisions in life can be quite tricky. When you have your life purpose statement and values list to consult, however, these tricky decisions become much easier, and your decisions will be more consistent.

Should you quit your job to start your own business? Yes, if you value growth and learning over stability.

Should you break up with your current relationship partner? Yes, if that relationship leaves your most important values unfulfilled and another relationship would do a better job of fulfilling them.

Should you eat pizza for breakfast instead of a fruit smoothie? No, if you value vitality and alertness over satiety.

When you can quickly remind yourself what’s most important to you and in what order of priority, you not only gain clarity about the right decisions, but you also know why they’re the right decisions for you.

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